Influenzers
As Eric Idle said, “a lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines” (also, philosophers named “Bruce”). So it goes with influencers. We dis proletariat influencers, believing only feathery snobs evangelizing haute couture, lifestyle (as in “human activities that don’t pertain to bodily functions”), or tips on flushing facial pores with essence of kohlrabi are worth following.
We’ve all seen these influencers: androgynous or ultra-feminine with custom-sculpted cheekbones, eyeliner applied with a spatula for that raccoon mien, names pronounceable only to people under hypnosis, wardrobe that is … conceptual. Streaming videos about Andean vicuña parasols or preparing ceviche. Well, they’re out. So, arrivederci!
Call it “hoi polloi chic”. The new influencers are so viral, they’re dubbed Influenzers. They’re “in”fluencers. Bluer in collar. Meatier in love handles. Named Edith, not Esmée or Monique. People who fry liver and onions. Chased by Old Milwaukee, not “mocktails” flaunting umbrellas. Bears fans. You know … the rest of us.
Below, the hottest of the new wave. Five chilies!
Essie Grimble @CafLady1 19.7M followers
Saint Cecilia’s bingo fanatic, competitive candlestick bowler, great-aunt, and mega-star in the hothouse world of middle school cafeteria food prep, Essie Grimble is best known for the Shepherd’s Pie revolution she ignited, which swept South Central Ohio lunchrooms in the Reagan years. While Grimble cut her blogging teeth on school cafs, she has since branched out to fryolators, jello sculpting, and artisan hairnets. Think you can whip up succotash? Better check out Grimble before grabbing that can opener!
Jimmy Joe Goodbuddy @JimmyJoe10–4 25.5M followers
Goodbuddy’s been from Tucson to Tucumcari, Tehachapi to Tonopah. He’s driven every kind of rig that’s ever been made. Driven the backroads so he wouldn’t get weighed! While Jimmy Joe loves to bucket mouth his long-haul trucking chops, he’s been known to tweet or two about cannabis gummies, uppers, and, of course, Australian table wines. Just show Goodbuddy a sign and he’ll be willin’ … to be movin’! Four-ten?
Neal and Alf Higgs-Boson @E=MC**2 28.2M followers
Neal and Alf don’t agree on anything … except how to get rich as the world’s leading influencers in the bleeding edge world of plumbing physics. Plumbing is no longer just tee to elbow to reducer. If you’re going to fix a leaky flush valve, you better understand the quantum physics of those Hs and Os coursing through copper pipes. While Neal espouses the uncertainty characterizing all physical reality, including toilet tanks, Alf is having none of it: “God does not play dice with toilet flanges” he famously quipped, in what last week became the world’s most viewed Tik Tok video. Physicists and philosophers named Bruce agree. Higgs-Boson Brothers merch is available via the CERN Large Hadron Collider gift shop.
Jennifer Lopez @JLoHomeServices 31.5M followers
Singing, dancing, acting: after three decades of performing, there’s not much left for Jennifer Lopez to pick off as an entertainer. That’s why JLo made a watershed career decision last year by hiring on as Lead Housekeeper for Miriam and Roger Aspic-Braithwaite of 1150 Park Avenue in Manhattan. Professionally trained as a housemaid while prepping for “Maid in Manhattan,” JLo later polished those skills scrubbing bathtubs and wiping baseboards in her Bel Air Mansion and New York penthouse, before hiring on at 1150 Park. While only making $19.28/hour tidying the Aspic-Braithwaite’s settees, JLO earns 1000 times that as a “housekeeping arts” influencer, often live-streaming from the Braithwaite’s master bathroom where bacteria goes to die. For that matter, JLo doesn’t actually tidy settees — she has a staff of maids for that — she’s too busy blogging, podcasting, and kicking Ben Affleck’s butt in “Princess Home” on Twitch.
Connie and Blythe Bighouse@Connie’nBlythe 48.7M followers
After live-streaming a Tik Tok instructional video on “hanging paper”, Connie and Blythe landed an exclusive contract for 8–12, setting up His ‘N Her social media studios at Louisiana State … as in Penitentiary. Artisan shiv construction, landing a dream job pushing book-carts on Cellblock D, or deciphering prison slang like “time to feed the warden”: Connie and Blythe are the shot callers. And bu$ine$$ is booming! For Connie and Blythe, orange is the new green … so much so they live-streamed a yard riot, garnering a 5–10 year contract extension. Recently, the Bighouses published a major expose of sexual shenanigans among penitentiary leadership, getting both the warden and assistant warden fired, proving once again that the Sordid is mightier than the Pen.
L.A. Glass @BreakingBad 104.9M followers
Much can be said about L.A. Glass. That doesn’t mean it should be said. The previous blogger who penned about Glass was last seen in an unmarked panel van headed south in a stretch of desert between Nogales and Hermosillo, with a guy named Tortuga and another named No-doze. You want merch? Ask for Spoony. Cash only.
Jedediah Ezekiel McCoy @TheRealMcCoy 72.2M followers
No Beverly Hills vanity address for this Jedediah, patriarch of Pike County’s McCoy clan and the Tug Fork watershed’s primary social media magnate. Whether it’s drawling tips on how to distill non-GMO moonshine, the etymology of “reckon”, where to pepper those pesky Revenuers with buckshot, rendering pork rinds, or getting hitched to your first cousin, @TheRealMcCoy is … well, the real McCoy. Not to be outdone by YouTuber Logan Paul, Jed’s in training for his upcoming boxing match with former wrasslin’ champeen Eustice Hatfield, the main event on the June 3rd card at the Lump Snopes Memorial Arena in Mississippi’s Yoknapatawpha County. Rumor has it McCoy Enterprises is coming out with a life-size Jed doll, shown hunting varmints with his “ought six” shotgun and toting a whiskey jug, so if you’re into merch, try www.HillbillyEffigy.com.
Velda Flexion @FemBiceps 101.1M followers
Velda got her start on the r/munitions subreddit. Readers were riveted. She’s now a top influencer on Instagram and YouTube, where her followers bone up on operating double boom cranes, banging in railroad spikes with their fists, and where to get those heavy-duty metal lunch boxes suitable for toting bologna sandwiches or nuclear waste. Mattel recently added a “Velda” doll to its Barbieverse: kids can mix and match blue jumpsuits with assorted polka dot bandanas. Also not to be outdone by Logan Paul, Mattel recently promoted its own boxing match, in which the Velda doll knocked GI Joe out in the fourth round.
Zeydeh Schmaltz @HaShemAbba 109.3M followers
Together with his trusted “capos”, Mendel Bupkes and Hymie Mishegas, Zeydeh Schmaltz is “first among equals” among the leaders of New York’s Five Families (listed alphabetically):
- The Schmaltzes: They make a chopped liver to die for … and people do.
- The Schmucks: And boy are they.
- The Schmutzes: That’s the Flatbush Schmutzes … not those country club goyim from Great Neck.
- The Shmendriks: Feh. Gonifs.
- The Wilsons: They’re Reform.
When it’s time to “take to the mattresses” (courtesy of Barry and Elliott, Jordan’s Furniture), Schmaltz is right where you’d expect him to be: in his studio, podcasting. Whether it’s tips on doing luchen kugel for a minyan of wiseguys famished from kicking tuchus, or how to pronounce “Fuhgeddaboudit” in Yiddish, Schmaltz is your personal consigliere on running your “waste management business”. And if you listen in, then you owe him a favor, and the Schmaltzes, well, they always collect, don’t they. Nu, bubeleh?
SpongeBob SquarePants @PoriferaBobby 4.26B followers
Speaking of godfathers, many a toon has tried to unseat SpongeBob as the godfather (aka “pod”father) of toon influencers: Marge Simpson, Jessica Rabbit, Beavis and Butthead, even Yosemite Sam gave it a shot (rumor is, he lost his nut and sprayed SpongeBob with his Colt 45s, one explanation for SpongeBob’s trademark cavities). None of them can touch the Spongeatollah, whose billions of followers are evenly split between humans and toons (there are a lot of Minions … though not as many as there are Binions). When he’s not flipping crabby paddies at the Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is either on Reddit (r/toontalk), discussing his latest experiments cross-breeding MIT post-doc students with BoJack Horseman and Sandy Cheeks, or making TikTok videos showing how toons do things like hang in mid-air after running off a cliff, only falling after they look down and gulp. Got a jones for Sponge merch? Try www.scotchbrite.com.
