Haste Makes Waste? Not so Fast!
The Science Behind Proverbs
Most people accept the veracity of proverbs without considering their scientific validity. Consider: “Patience is a plaster for all sores.” Medically speaking, you are better served by a smear of bacitracin and a gauze bandage … though if all you have is a hangnail, a little deep breathing can’t hurt. To weed out the imposters, this article reviews the science underlying common proverbs.
“Good things come in small packages”
This hypothesis was disproved by an ingenious experiment (Beavis and Butthead, 2012), in which experimental subjects were offered their choice of two clearly labeled packages:
- Large package: Chris Craft Calypso 35 yacht
- Small package: two-pack of tongue scrapers, with travel case and bonus bag of Dentek floss picks
83.7% of subjects opted for the larger package! To rule out the package contents skewing the results, other research teams were able to replicate the experiment, substituting in these item:
- Calmol 4 hemorrhoidal suppositories (jumbo pack)
- Everbilt zinc-plated wing nuts, assorted
- Two ounces of dirt
“A man who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client.”
This has been scientifically proven, as has its corollary: “A man who has Rudy Guiliani as his lawyer has a blithering idiot for a lawyer.”
“A watched pot never boils”
Scientists widely regard this hypothesis as true, but with several caveats. Multiple studies were conducted, in which scientists observed pots placed atop flame. In every study, the pot never boiled! (Oddly, it was widely observed that the fluid contents inside the pot did boil.)
Note, however, that in the 1952 study conducted by Howard, Fine, and Howard, one of the scientists (ok, it was Curly) fell asleep while observing a row of pots atop bunsen burners. Upon waking (after an eye-poking by the chief scientist making his rounds ((fine, it was Moe)), the startled researcher observed (after vocalizing a series of syllables sounding like “Nyuk”) that none of the pots had boiled … thus concluding that the hypothesis should be generalized: “a pot never boils”.
This generalized version of the hypothesis was challenged by Hephaestus, Xocotl, and Loki (2012) who successfully boiled a Williams Sonoma tungsten stockpot at a temperature of 10,022(F). They also temporarily boiled Pluto.
Finally, Erwin Schrodinger challenged the hypothesis in his second most famous thought experiment, in which he placed a pot on a stove in a (extremely large asbestos) box. Until the box is opened, the pot is both boiling and not boiling: only by observing the pot does it shift into a state of boiling or not boiling. Schrodinger, not known for terse prose, modified the hypothesis: “observed pots either boil or don’t, while unobserved pots simultaneously boil and simmer.” (Not exactly a movie treatment.) Schrodinger’s critics are wont to observe that he should have stuck to cats. Speaking of which …
“Curiosity killed the cat”
This is true. Or not. If you had the self discipline not to open the box, the cat would have remained simultaneously alive and dead (Schrodinger, Again, Sigh). Now it’s just dead. Or not.
Maybe don’t just keep opening boxes that aren’t yours?
“There’s a time and a place for everything”
True. Except for Ted Cruz. There really isn’t a time or a place for Ted Cruz. Maybe Mexico, while a disaster cripples Texas?
“There’s an exception to every rule”
True, except for unexpected accepted exceptions.
“A stitch in time saves nine”
This hypothesis is widely regarded as “in the ballpark”. A meta-study conducted last year (Too, Lazy, To, Do, Their, Own, Study) examined 236 research studies on this topic, and concluded that a stitch in time actually saves 8.8344427659 stitches. Give or take.
At least one research team (James, Beane, and Podesta) asserted that the hypothesis has been misinterpreted. The team reviewed Major League Baseball statistics from 1986–2004 and concluded that a relief pitcher attempting to close a game can earn a “save” for his team (note that in baseball, nine players take the field) by throwing “baseballs” (which feature bright red stitches) at sufficient velocities to cause “batters” to ineffectively wave atavistic wooden clubs (called “bats”), thus completely missing the “baseballs”, such that “a stitch in time saves nine”.
A second research team (Leary and Alpert, 1963) claimed that the hypothesis actually refers to wormholes, which “stitch” together disparate space-time coordinates, and, when optimally traversed, can shave, on average, nine light-years off travel to common inter-stellar destinations. Most scientists reject this interpretation, as it was determined that Leary and Alpert had ingested large amounts of lysergic acid diethylamide before conducting their research (much of which was conducted at inter-stellar destinations).
“High tide is higher than low tide”
In Blue States, this is recognized as scientific truth, as are the following theorems:
- “There’s a whole lot of electrons, ‘n stuff.”
- “Space is chilly: dress accordingly.”
- “No chipmunk outweighs Neptune.”
There is one scientific truth unique to Red States:
- “It’s ok to storm Federal buildings during elections, provided you are white, inspired by someone with the brain of a yam, and post selfies. Travel tip: if incarcerated, order organic — just check the box, like when you fly.”
“Another day, another dollar”
Scientists have updated this as follows: “Another day, another non-fungible token”.
“Necessity is the mother of invention”
Work done by Zappa has demonstrated that there are, in fact, multiple Mothers of Invention, including Roy Estrada, Jimmy Carl Black, Ray Collins, and Zappa himself. The hypothesis was subsequently disproved again by Robinson, Higgins, and Kodikara, who laid alternative claim to maternity.
Mary Robinson used to be the President of Ireland. Frank Zappa named his son Dweezil. Your call.
“Brevity is the soul of wit”
True.
“Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker … and sex won’t rot your teeth”
First verified in 1931 (Nash, Ogden) and later modified (Fields, W.C.).
Footnote: there was a lot of grumbling by members of the experimental control group, who got nothing more than bags of Snickers bars.
“One man’s meat is another man’s poison”
Controversy continues to plague the research teams validating this hypothesis:
- A disturbing pattern of sudden, mysterious deaths in the experimental population has attracted uncomfortable attention by law enforcement (Skull and Crossbones, 2009). See “Dead men tell no tales.”
- Some research teams are accused of biasing results by using liverwurst, pimento loaf, and head cheese (Carnegie and Zaftig, 2016).
- Vegan research teams have been similarly accused of “cheating” by substituting in Tofurky and Not Dogs (Bean and Curd, 2019).
- A “woke” team sanitized the hypothesis: “One they/their/them’s factory-farmed slaughter is another xe/ze/co’s toxin.”
- Rival institutes are said to be flooding each other with spam.
“Rap music causes migraines”
This hypothesis was validated by Nas X, Lil; Uzi Vert, Lil; Spacely, Lil; Wayne, Lil; Yachty, Lil; Lil, Lil; and Really, Lil.
“A rolling stone gathers no moss”
Also validated, by Jagger, Richards, Watts, and Taylor (1966) but definitely see Astley (who spent years on this and never gave up).
“Dead men tell no tales”
The research team (Smith and Wesson) failed to find enough subjects to complete the required experiments. If you or someone you know is interested in volunteering, call 1–800-SNU-FFED. Ask for Lefty. Stipends to cover partial mortuary expenses available on request. Pack light.
“Don’t let the cat out of the bag”
Or box (Schrodinger, Yep).
“Don’t shoot the messenger”
See “Dead men tell no tales”.
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder”
True. Except for Ted Cruz. And shingles. And Ted Cruz.
