Helping the world by being an authentic asshole — Are you a sociopath? Even we ’paths need a fearless moral inventory. Moral doesn’t resonate? Fake it. Like at funerals. You’ve heard of twelve steps? We do five.¹ Beyond that, it’s pure pity party. Any of these steps tumesce your happy stick? Make it clear you do not care how…

No boobs, no tangents, no hilarity, no claps, no fun — To the reader, We regret to inform you this humor piece is not by Amy Sea. Because Amy didn’t write it, we use the word “humor” notionally. It’s more humorous than say — just to lay down a baseline — the bubonic plague. Admittedly, one can squeeze a lot of…

Mastering the high-wire discipline of restorative Savasana — Seekers! You wish to tread the winding path of the full prone warrior? Savasana. The way of the breathing corpse. Pose of the perpetually prone. You are not the first. The grasping many always seek to walk the trail of the wise few. But the mystical art of Savasana may…

Inconclusive results on backstroking through lava, doing the Bachata Merengue atop saw scaled vipers — In the biggest healthcare story since nail fungus victims leveraged hypnosis and guided imagery to resume daily activities, a newly published study contains compelling evidence that dying is not beneficial for humans. “Bad juju across all health metrics,” said Dr. …

And lose the sex talk— what are you, five? — You’re damn right I’m suing. One more breathless article like I Asked AI for an ‘Around the World’ — You Won’t Believe What Happened Dawg! and I won’t tap out at triple damages. I will rain terror down on you wet gooey schmendricks. Be original! You have a mind. So…

Pair this guide with Delta 9 THC Gummies — This guide will help you navigate your Airbnb rental’s state-of-the-art home theatre, designed by a team from NASA. For the safety of your mission, don a short-sleeve shirt and a drab tie. And lose the TikTok. You’re 48. Airbnb does not cover therapy for guests who decide to “just wing…

Play the Medium Partner Program limbo game! — Every limbo boy and girl All around the limbo world Gonna do the limbo rock All around the limbo clock Jack be limbo, Jack be quick Jack go unda limbo stick All around the limbo clock Hey, let’s do the limbo rock Limbo lower now Limbo lower now How low can you…

Supreme Being to Homo Sapiens: ‘Quit your bitching and suck it up’ — Another year. Another epic fail. I don’t like what I’m hearing, people — Sigh. We sure fubar’ed this up again. Guess we’ll just flush it down the toilet and let the tank refill. Let’s drill down. Got a plan, Galileo? Drink enough alcohol to swell your liver to the size…

The George Santos photo album — Crossing the Delaware As my constituents know, I’m deeply committed to the United States of America, and always ready to fight for it. Damn right it was cold, but less nippy than that fateful evening I beat Amundsen to the South Pole. Yalta Had to pinch-hit for FDR one morning, who was sawing wood…