Kremlin converted to Domino’s Pizza, call 1–800-KRE-MLIN — According to recent CIA intelligence, the Russian Duma has relocated President Vladimir Putin’s office from the Kremlin to a 170-square-foot “tiny house” on the edge of the Moskva River. The Kremlin is now a Domino’s Pizza franchise, the largest in the world, except for a sprawling store under construction outside…

Buff up your Hebrew, maximize your ROI — Masks? Been N95, done K95. Enough with the furshlugginer virus already! Could there be a better time for nostalgic GenXials to throw Bar Mitzvah 2.0? Your bris was a one-and-done-cut-and-run but your bar mitzvahs can repeat like a bowl of borscht. Bar mitzvah reduxes from Tulsa to Tel Aviv are…

Josh Hawley’s reflections on “getting a whole lot of gone” — Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) is writing a book called M̶a̶n̶h̶o̶o̶d̶:̶ ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶M̶a̶s̶c̶u̶l̶i̶n̶e̶ ̶V̶i̶r̶t̶u̶e̶s̶ ̶A̶m̶e̶r̶i̶c̶a̶n̶s̶ ̶N̶e̶e̶d̶ “Scramhood: The Chickenshit Virtue of Bailing With Speed,” building off a speech he gave at a conservative conference claiming the political left is waging a war on m̶a̶s̶c̶u̶l̶i̶n̶i̶t̶y̶ being a yellow-bellied pissant, t̶h̶e̶ ̶K̶a̶n̶s̶a̶s̶ ̶C̶i̶t̶y̶…

Get off your lazy pol ass off Twitter and GSD! — Last year, Representative Paul Gosar (R-AZ) published a video on Twitter depicting his avatar killing an anime representation of colleague Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) and attacking President Joe Biden. Gosar was roundly excoriated in the media for his lack of judgment, and rightly so. …

No ma’am, you can’t inject a messenger RNA vaccine into an Atari Falcon — Tech Concierge 4 Boomers! Sir, this is a tech support line. Oh, your drive’s hard? I thought — never mind. Your drive should be hard. That’s why it’s called a hard drive. Yes, quite a coincidence. Drives should be floppy? Maybe. When George Bush was president. No, the other one…

MuddyUm interns stage hostile takeover — No one saw it coming. That’s on us. Think about it. The private Slack channels none of us could access. The furtive eye contact. A dog-eared copy of Barbarians at the Gate taunting us from Jadyn Mardy’s custom Zoom background. …

Less deep-fried hype, more whole grain exposition — Recently, I read an interesting article on Illumination. Why Tim Denning Is Rich If He Writes Like Sh*t How to become a top writer without writing wellmedium.com Daniel Mesa compares Tim Denning favorably to a couple of other writers. Full disclosure — I don’t follow any of these people. But I did notice some fascinating things. The author’s opening bid? Tim Denning is a crappy writer with great ideas…

Doing cool stuff with text in Medium without 🔨 your 🖥️ — Writing is hard. As columnist Red Smith said, “You simply sit down at the typewriter, open your veins, and bleed.” Poor Red. In those days, your keys jammed and you bled all over the page. Today, your screen freezes and you don’t actually bleed. There’s an app for that. Try…

Y’all got pwned, ya mo mo! — Fuck it. We did it. Enough already with the drama queen histrionics over yesteryear’s election clusterfuck. …